The story of my life… if I were someone else.

Well, it’s once again time to go home. Oh, don’t look at me like that. I’m serious, now. Go home! Fine, sleep under the table. I don’t know what you’ll do if you get cold. No, you can’t have more whisky; I’m locking the cabinet. You can try to get in, but I’ll have to press charges if anything is missing. Come on, you live right around the block! Just stumble your drunk ass home. Um, yes. You are drunk. I gave you the alcohol, remember? Hey, you swing at me again and you’re going to regret it. I told you not to do that. Here, let me help you up. Suck it up, man, you don’t want anyone to see you cry like that, do you? No, you can’t have anything to “dull the pain”. I didn’t even hit you that hard. Where the hell are you going? Home? Do you even know where you live? No, you don’t live at the zoo. Here, I’ll walk you home. Yes, I know your wife will blame your condition on me. Yes, I know you love her. I swear to god, the next time I see you I want to see an AA chip in your pocket, you got that? I’ll write it on your hand so you can remember. No, we can’t go get waffles. No, your wife definitely will not make you waffles. She might have other uses for the waffle-iron, though. I’ll stand outside the door to make sure she doesn’t mess you up too bad. You deserve everything she gives you, I know that much. Stop wimpering. Alright, where are your keys? You… you don’t have any keys… Well, that solves it. I officially hate you.